| (no subject) |
[Apr. 25th, 2006|04:45 pm] |
I feel like my head is going to explode. I have been a nervous wreck for the past two and a half months and I cant get rid of it. Melissa broke up with me the end of February. We talked it out and she said we should get back together the next day. She broke up with me again at the beginning of March. During this time I was out of my head, not eating or sleeping. I was getting better and hanging in their until the day at the union. We were hanging out and she got a call, she walks away from me and goes to talk. After waiting i walk over to her were i find her flirting on the phone, bitting her lip and I can just tell by the way she looks that she wants to be with this other person. I tried my best to handle it, keep my composure and get through. Unfortunatly I had to know so I asked who it was. She tells me it was Brian who asked her out that night. Brian was my old R.A who I thought was someone who I could trust and had a friendly relationship with. Im ashamed to say I lost it. I stormed out of the union, steaming all the way to my truck. She follows me and we just sit in the truck because I am shaking so bad I can't drive.
Then we have our talk, a very long talk. In this she tells me she is attracted to this guy which kills me because I dont know how long its been going on, i dont know if it happened last semester when she would come over i just dont know. In our talk though things escalate and both of us our crying and I cant take. Then she tells me the best days without me arent even as good as the worst days with me. She tells me she wants to get back together at some point soon, just have to let the dust settle after telling me. So its about a month later, she still hasnt made it official with me, she still talks and hangs out with Brian, and now that soon ill be leaving for the summer she wont even answer me positively if will make it through the summer.
I just wish I could sit down one night and talk it out with her, but its impossible. For one she is swamped with end of the semster work so whenever i try to bring it up she tells me she doesnt have time for the conversation. Second, shell only argue with me about it because whenver i bring up something she gets so defensive and it shuts me down. I want to tell how i really feel and how this whole thing is wrecking me. I want to tell her to stop hanging out with someone who wants to take her out and both of them are attracted to each other. I remember how we started out as just friends and I get scared. What if they get really close this summer and one night I get a phone call in Orlando telling me its over shes found someone else. But I cant tell her to stop hanging out because them im a jealous, untrusting, controlling boyfriend. I want to talk to her, but i cant. So this journal is the only way i can really communicate. I know she reads it and I hope she can see how im struggling through everything. I just dont know what to do and I just want things to work out. I want things to go back to the way that they were. Where im comfortable and always happy with her, not nervous and scared. I dont want to be enjoying the time i have with her, and then have the phone ring and wonder, and work myself up over who it is. I want her to want me the same way again. She tells me she feels the same but she never shows it, she treats our relationship like nothing ever happened and i need some closure in how she made me fell. I need her to do something to let me know that she truley does want me and shes truley sorry for making me hurt. But that never comes and somehow im always apologizing even probably after she reads this.
As bad a this sounds ive started praying again just to try and get some comfort. I love the girl more than anyone can imagine and ill always want to be with her. Im just scared she doesnt fell the same. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Apr. 5th, 2006|11:46 pm] |
Will I get far in life? Kissing the Lipless - The Shins
How do my friends see me? I Know There's an Answer - The Beach Boys
Where will I get married? Run For Your Life - The Beatles
What is my best friend's theme song? Im Not In the Mood
What is the story of my life? Just Like a Woman - Bob Dylan
What is/was highschool like? Little Miss Lover - Jimi Hendrix
How can I get ahead in life? Tiny Dancer - Elton John
What is the best thing about me? Who's Afraid of the Big Bad Wolf - Disney
How is today going to be? Your Song - Moulin Rouge
What is in store for this weekend? - Symbol in My Driveway
What song describes my parents? - Black Magic Woman - Santana
My grandparents? Let it Loose- The Rolling Stones
How is my life going? Sweet Potato Pie - Ray Charles
What song will they play at my funeral? - Come On - Jimi Hendrix
How does the world see me? - All I Want for Christmas - Mariah Carey
Will I have a happy life? - Rudie Can't Fail - The Clash
What do my friends really think of me? - Whole Lotta Love - Led Zeppelin
Do people secretly lust after me? The Mirror - Phantom of the Opera
How can I make myself happy? - What a Way to Wanna Be - Shania Twain
What should I do with my life? Chim Chim Cher-ee - Disney
Will I ever have children? Hide in your Shell - Supertramp
What is some good advice? So Much in Love - Art Garfunkel
What is my signature dancing song? Travelin Prayer - Billy Joel
What do I think my current theme song is? - Suppose to Be - Jack Johnson
What does everyone else think my current theme song is? - My Elusive Drug - Elton John
What type of men/women do you like? You and Me - Disney |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Mar. 27th, 2006|11:04 am] |
|
I blew her a kiss, wished her happiness and walked out the door. That was how melissa let me go out of her life. Unfortunately, life is not like the movies or tv shows we see. There was no last stand, she didn't fight to keep me to stay and she wasn't at the bottom of the building when my elevator doors opened. I suppose life is always going to be full of critical choices that one makes. These choices come at just the right time where the decision you make can ultimatly change your life forever. For Melissa, she chose to let me go, let me walk out of that room knowing that she would not see or speak to me again. That was a life changing choice that will affect both of our lives forever. Now one could say that she might not like the choice she made and will take up my invitation to call me if she changes her mind, but if that time comes how do I handle it. Do I listen to what she has to say or will I be so hurt by the memory of her not stoping me last night that I never want to see her again? I don't know the answer to that question. Once again it will be another choice that will change things forever. I love the girl with my whole heart, no question about it. I would have been their till the end of time gone through the guantlet of life just to see her face and have her love me. Like I said, life isn't ever as happy or as wonderful as the fairy tales we see on the screen. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Mar. 4th, 2006|10:46 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crushed | ] |
My world has been completly shattered. I hate my life and I don't know how to fix anything. All she can tell me is "sorry" and "I dont know". All im starting to hear now is Sorry I dont know about you and sorry i want to experience new guys. I dont even know what experience is. What the hell is that suppose to mean. What sucks the most is that she is happy with me. She tells me she is happy with me everyday and she is still in love with me. But that isnt enough for her. How can you be happy with someone and love them so much and then crush their heart, not once but twice in one month. I want to leave and never go away, i want to change every aspect of myself because i feel so terrible about how I look how I act. And even when I tell her that she say no im great never change your the best. It's always the same with girls, being the best is never good enough. The whole "Its not you its me" is bullshit. The truth is their is something about me and she is to afraid to tell me.
Now she wants to be best friends and I dont know how to deal with that. How can you wake up every day and see a person you love so much knowing she doesnt want you anymore. How can you talk to someone the same way after they put you through absolute hell. Even if somehow she realizes I am the one she wants to be with things will never be the same. Our relationship has been destroyed. If it ever comes around again how to I take someone back who broke my heart, wanted to "experience" other guys, and wasnt even upset about leaving me. How do we go on. She's not even upset about leaving me. She's only upset because Im a wreck. Our whole relationship was a failure. All that time she went after me, wanting to stay with me even though I was in another state only in the end to want someone else instead. I cant comprehend how someone can do that to someone they love. I will never be the same Melissa. We will never be the same because of the doubt you have in your mind that someone else will be better for you. No one will treat you the way I did, no one will love you the way I did. You know I hope you find someone, It's college so you know their are great guys looking for good solid relationships based on love instead of sex. Oh wait it's college never mind. |
|
|
| A Much Needed Update |
[Feb. 1st, 2005|11:42 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  content | ] |
Wow it's been a long time since I last wrote in my journal. For a quick update, Melissa and I are doing amazing almost 13 months now, I ended up getting a B average for Fall semester(Don't know how I pulled that C in Chem. Christmas went by really fast but was the best one so far because I was able to spend my first winter with someone I love. And I left for Florida to work at Disneyworld(College Program where I work and get an internship credit). So now I'm here in Orlando and It's a much much better situation then in Iowa. I have roomates that I hangout with all the time. So I work at the Tower of Terror as an operator pushing buttons sending people off, greeting them as they come in, the whole works. It's all going great right now and it's a dream come true for me to work here but I miss my girlfriend so much and now I just wait until I get to spend all summer with her. Well of to bed so Im ready for work tommarow. Have a great night. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Oct. 10th, 2004|11:38 am] |
|
I hate the feeling of being angry at someone. It's horrible, but sometimes you have to be angry. I know that I shouldn't right now but it's something that happened when I was home and I didn't want to ruin the time I was there. I don't want to say I'm sorry for feeling this way because this is something that should get me upset. I wont go to any lengths to tell what happen because I wont need a journal to remind me. It may take me a while to get over this but it's what I need. This time I'm not going to be sorry for being upset because what happen really hurt me alot and I need time to know that it's not going to happen again. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Oct. 10th, 2004|01:13 am] |
The one permanent emotion of the inferior man is fear - fear of the unknown, the complex, the inexplicable. What he wants above everything else is safety. ~Henry Louis Mencken
I really hate my odds tonight. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Oct. 9th, 2004|11:14 am] |
|
Everything seems to be changing for the worst. I need help and I dont know what to do. |
|
|
| Im a Screwup |
[Sep. 21st, 2004|11:50 am] |
|
There is no other way to put it. I was almost jokingly saying that about myself before, but now I am positive that I am a complete and total screwup. Lets look at the facts shall we. 1) I picked a school 1200 miles away from home that I hate and will have to live throught the next year of hating. 2) Being an engineer completely sucks, I've already dropped my engineering class and I cant stand chemistry. If I would have picked something I actually liked maybe college wouldnt be so miserable. 4) I spent 400 dollars on a plane ticket home this weekend when I could have spent 200 and been home sooner and even stayed even longer. 4) I keep missing classes, well two so far. The first one I was upset but couldnt find it which is a good excuse for the first week of school. The secound miss was my language arts class today and it was because i forgot one time it started. I thought 11:30 where it was actually 10:30. Who forgets what time a class starts. Not only is it going to effect my grade but I have to find a reason to tell my teacher why I missed it in the first place. 5) Im blowing everyone of my test and quizzes. Well maybe not everyone but 2. My chemistry test was insanely hard and I ended up with a C. And when I took my math quiz last friday I forgot(once again) my calculator back at my room and failed my test. 6) Im having to come home as a failure to my family and friends because I couldnt last the whole three months that I had intended to be away. Now I have to look my parents in the eye and tell them Im a screw up. Things if you cannot tell are going very bad for me right now. I just want to be home. I need one day of not screwing up. It wouldnt be so bad if it wasnt every single day for the past month. I know there are alot more things worse in life and im sorry for complaining. But I dont know whats going to happen if i keep messing up. Ive already have had enough panic attacks in the last month so i cant think of anything to calm myself down. I need to go away. I need to be somewhere where i cant screw up any more. I need to be home. |
|
|
| Engineering No More |
[Sep. 2nd, 2004|01:20 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  hopeful | ] |
After many sleepless nights and miserable calls home I have finally made a choice in the right direction. After 3:00 this afternoon I will have dropped my one engineering course and move on with my college life. I realized after countless boring and intimidating lectures that engineering is just not for me. I cant see myself doing this as a job, this one class showed me that engineering is a really, really boring thing to do. I have still kept my three other classes and when it comes to the end of the semester I am going to change my major. I'm not 100 percent sure just yet but I am really thinking about being a teacher. I cant get it out of my head and the more I look into it the more excited I get. So those are my plans for now. I'm still doing pretty miserable outside of class. My basic day would include eating all three meals by myself, homework alone then working out at night before I can have a real conversation with my parents and girlfriend at night. Oh well I can always transfer. Well got to get going, if I don't see you have a great afternoon. |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
| |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=92.1){kind=small}
farmingstud21's journal